Fanfiction

by REGI RKT

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kfremzy EXTREMELY relatable, fun energy and vibes. Favorite track: My Stories.
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02:09
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03:05
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03:09
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03:44

about

young queer people often grow up ravenous for representations of themselves. sometimes popular culture delivers--but more often than not, we have to get... creative. "Fanfiction" is a collection of songs that grapple with the boundaries between "real" and "make believe."

--

fandom is a vulnerable, intimate thing. the love of a fangirl is one of the most pure and wholesome types of love, in that it is all-consuming, unapologetic, and filled with hope. fangirl self-care is realizing that humans are fallible and often very ugly--but we have entire universes at our fingertips. we can go anywhere we want. we can be anything we want to be. those heroes of ours who consistently show us that we can trust them, and that we are safe with them, are the only ones worthy of our gorgeous admiration.

credits

released July 21, 2017

written, performed, and produced by erin fitzpatrick
album, booklet, photography, art, etc. by Lih (@artteen69)

tags

license

all rights reserved

about

REGI RKT Portland, Maine

DIY anxiety bops from ur 2001 grrrl crush. punk is vulnerability is punk. loud Aquarius.

"pure Portland punk... Honest, raw, full of fury and irreproachable DIY spirit"
- Pretty Purgatory

contact / help

Contact REGI RKT

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Track Name: Peter
I got a fidget toy ‘cause inside i’m a little boy
Restless, i play pretend all day and night
Inside my head

I want a rocket ship to take me out into the void
But only in my head; i’ve grown scared of heights
It feels impossible to sit and read a book
I’m 5 and words mean nothing
But it sure is nice to look

Ignorance is better
Ignorance is bliss
I spin my fidget toy around and ‘round in circles, but i still can’t focus

It seems impossible to smile and try to find the light
In tasks so fucking boring i start to see in black and white
I tap my fingers fast
Like that’ll speed up time
But i know it won’t ‘cause i am grown
I can’t lie

Was i always this afraid of dreaming?
Really, i don’t know
I’ve been panicking since i was 6,
But i thought i had control

Ignorance is better
Ignorance is bliss
I spin my fidget toy around and ‘round in circles, but i still can’t focus

Minutes or hours,
what does it matter
Could use a shower,
but what does it matter
Books are for reading,
but reading’s not easy
When you can’t sit still, but you’re afraid of leaving

Tap, tap, tap on the cell phone
Tap, tap, tap on the kitchen table

Miles from my body, my mind’s at a party

I’m not invited
Track Name: The Roommate Song
Sunday morning you were fucking with the door cracked open
Maybe you didn't know,
but I walked outside and heard you
moan
I put on headphones very loud but my soul was already crushed by the
Muted sounds of intimacy, of breathing and of
cum
Welcome to brunch
I feel like we’re closer now

Good morning

Last night i had a dream
That I was making out with my old camp counselor
She said that i had pretty eyes
And that she liked that i seemed unsure of my gender
But then i was rattled awake
By the sound of our cheap coffee grinder
Laughing and the parting of lips
And i heard a catholic mother spurn cohabitation
When bodies move together the world falls apart
Puritanical society has really left its mark on me, my gosh
I feel like the government

Good morning

You see i never learned about the birds and the bees, the most was
Reading in a book about the Virgin Mary and then I
Learned I was gay and i got really afraid
And now I get really nervous when I have to face my sexuality
It really isn't you it’s all me

How does it work between a boy and a girl?
When was the last time you heard me?
I’d like to say that i’m sorry if i ever
Made you part of any threesomes that you really weren't ready for
Nonconsensually
Our premarital sun salutations

Good morning
Track Name: What Doesn't Kill You
Why did I buy those cigarettes?
That's not how my mother raised me
You could say I've got a hole to fill
You could say I've got some time to kill

Why did I buy those cigarettes ?
Just like I've seen on TV
Blow out smoke in the dark and be moody
Isn't that how youths work out their problems?

Look at me I'm on a corner
Look at me, don't I look deeper?
Processing things in my head that you would never understand
Doesn't it look like I'm finally in a cool band?

The situation really isn't dire
There are hours, even days when I'm really okay
Sometimes I've gotta light a fire to
The garbage in my insides that made me this way

I'm trying to get better but first I've gotta get a little worse
I'm open to suggestions but so far this is the only thing that’s worked
So I'll murder fear with smoke and be on my way
A perfect recreation of an old movie star
Who doesn't give a fuck about the man she just killed with her car

What doesn't kill you only
Distracts you from what does
Track Name: The Toothbrush
This morning is oppressive
It's all gray in the sky
I ask myself,
what's happening here?
It's the middle of July

Nobody is outside and the
Seagulls have gone quiet even the
Dog next door that usually wakes me has
Given up his riot

Only sound’s inside of my head
Hazily remembering what i did

It's all coming back to me now
I got home kind of drunk
I went to pee and as i sat
I saw your old toothbrush

I got it just for you so you'd feel home in my apartment
It's an interloper now, i thought
It quickly got symbolic

So i held it gently in my hands
Closed my eyes and threw it in the trash

And now the somber summer scene reflects the hour’s gravity
When i threw away that toothbrush
I distanced you from me
The silence of the earth seems so merciful and raw
Not to be a solipsist, but it all seems to line up

You made your move,
now I've made mine
Is this self care?
It feels divine

I'm usually one to leave things hanging
Over my head for a long time
I'm the yes-er and the pleaser
The co-captain of my life

Who thought i’d find autonomy in a dentally hygienic device?
It feels so dumb
It’s kind of nice
Track Name: Portland
I watch you leave the house while i sit here on the couch
It doesn’t bother me, i’ve always liked being alone
It’s time to hide inside my blanket safety bunker now
I won’t say i’m not lonely, but i’m at home

It’s overwhelming to subject myself to personhood
I have to go to work and i think that’s living enough
I’m already third wheel to my angst and my
Heart we’re a throple but sometimes i think i’m extra

I haven’t had a good hard laugh in a long time
Now that i’m doing the math it’s been a
Month since I went out in the millennial sense
It’s okay i’m not lonely
It’s okay I’m just tired
It’s okay i’m just flaky
And i’m whiny
Aren’t you bored of me

I’m a magician with the way that others think of me
One second they do but I make sure they don’t
I’m busy contemplating my feet
I can’t leave when i’m so uncertain there’s a “me”
To bring anywhere at any time
I make puns because i know they’re stupid
I make sure everybody knows i know they’re stupid
That way they’ll know that i am also stupid

You can’t do wrong when you’ve already apologized
When you wear a sorry in your eyes
You can’t do wrong when you live like you’re a corpse
Because it’s really just a miracle you dressed in the morning

You can’t do wrong if you just do nothing
If you save all of your energy
You can’t do wrong if you make sure you’re forgotten
By acting like you don’t care when maybe you're just broken

I haven’t had a good hard laugh in a long time
Now that i’m doing the math it’s been a
Month since I went out in the millennial sense
I'm okay i’m not lonely
I'm okay I’m just tired
I'm okay i’m just flaky
And i’m whiny
Aren’t you bored of me
Track Name: My Stories
thanks so much
for the facebook
invite to
your party

wish i could
make it out but i
“have a family thing”

oh what? family thing?
um it’s my great
grandma’s birthday

she’d be so sad
if i missed it
i mean a lot to her she’s
so old

don’t ask me about it again because i
can’t back up my story
my great grandma died when i was ten
but you never have to know that, do you? DO YOU?

yes i’d love
to do drinks any
night this week
but not tonight

i feel so sick
suddenly
it’s that
“cold that’s going around”
jen at work
you know her
she just has the worst
cough these days

i die inside
when she hacks
and now look
i’m coughing too what
irony!

don’t ask me about it again because i
can’t back up my story
I'm feeling fine and I don't work with a jen
but you never have to know that, do you? DO YOU?

Master of deception
I forgot to mention,

being seen at your apartment will not make up for the terror
that is setting foot outside and being crushed by social pressure
it’s a terrifying notion, what if i end up alone
what if i have to make small talk (beat)
what if i lose my phone

I’m gonna irish exit
Even if you are my best friend

don't ask me about it again because I
Can't back up my story
I don’t remember anything that i said
but you never have to know that, do you? DO YOU?
Track Name: Paris
When i saw you across the hallway
With your arms tight
Across your blazer
I could swear i’d never felt holier
Than that Monday morning in October

In my sleep you gave me your history
Where you’d been and
What you wanted
I woke up hungry for the words i’d been missing
And I dragged my body into school and daydreamed until i turned nineteen

Every night i’d lay down and pray
That your god would
meet me halfway
Lie to me sweetly, tell me it’s easy
I would whisper; my voice would shake

Every weekend held intimate meaning
I planned confessions that I never repeated
Lie near me sweetly, tease me and tease me
And i’ll lie to you just the same, i’ll tear you down to block out the shame

When you touch me i want to die
You make hell seem so charmingly appealing
I swear i’ll hate you ‘til the day i lose my life
With your thick brown hair
And your big blue eyes
You don’t see me at all, and it’s fine

Share a room with me in college
I’ll write poems from the closet of my fantasy
Just ignore me

I won’t approve of your boyfriends
You’ll think that I’ve weird taste in men
Yeah, don’t you see? They’re not for me…

When I first saw you across the hallway
The boys were laughing
They called you Mary
I could swear that I’d never felt holier
Than that morning you came to me...

When you touch me i want to die
You make hell seem so charmingly appealing
I swear i’ll love you ‘til the day i lose my life
With your thick brown hair
And your big blue eyes
You don’t see me at all, and it’s fine
Track Name: Scorpio
Hot and wet i cling to you
A desperate mess
I miss the womb
The only touch i ever knew

I think my heart is made of bone
It fails to bend; it aches and groans
It barely moves when im alone

But when you press into my chest
I want to die of loneliness
You held me tight and then i left

I think i missed the emptiness
I know that love is not a test

When i die i want to be
A little bird above the sea
The little wings push out of me

With feather lungs it’s hard to breathe
The tenderness hurts all of me
I can’t be soft when i am weak

And all your pain it makes me break
In ways no person needs to take
I cry out softly when you wake

I pick a personality
So you can’t see inside of me
Track Name: Cautious Love Song
Walk slowly, walk slowly, walk slowly, listen to her
Walk slowly, be holy, walk slowly, listen

Everything was fine
I was having a fine time
I was living a fine life
Though every day the same
I didn’t want for anything though i was hungry all the time,
But really it was fine, i didn’t care
But now i’m scared

I think i’ve got myself into another situation
You’ve gone and turned my blue to red
You’ve gone and put hope in my head
And with hope comes devastation that i can’t control
My foolish misperceptions make me vulnerable

I pray to a god i don’t believe in
Don’t fuck this one up
Be gentle, be open

I think in cliches
I imagine the ways
I could kiss you on that corner, i could kiss you on that stoop
Nobody’s done it better
It’s honestly true

It’s true, it’s true, it’s true
I really like kissing you

You called from the void and let some light in
I guess i’m just thankful, you don’t have to say anything
I wouldn’t put that on you

I’m not trying to manipulate you with a pushy song about my feelings
I’m not a white boy
And you’re not my toy or muse

But i’m also only human with a heart in my head
And i think it’s really awesome when you’re in my bed
I’m vulnerable and sore, but it’s a tender pain
It’s soft and it’s small,
And smiling from a new place
Track Name: Oprah (is an INFJ Aquarius who got fired at 23)
I got lost in the used books section
Somewhere between all the bibles and memoirs
Didn’t know the time of day
Didn’t matter, anyway
I lost track of time

Poured out my pockets for the yellowed pages
Can’t buy a purpose but you can buy inspiration
Now it’s dark out
I’m almost 24
And i have no job
Am i Oprah yet?

Guess i’ll blame pisces men
Who do i think i am?

What am i avoiding? There’s so much that i’m avoiding
Everywhere i look i’m hit by some guy’s “origin story”
The same reiteration of “discovered in a basement”
Maybe i should find a basement?
Maybe that’s where i’ve gone wrong
I heard that Oprah lost her job at 23
Maybe i’ll be a DJ?
Does that pay well?

I’m a little bit afraid of what i want
It feels too right and it feels to honest

I’m tired of white boys in jam bands
Explaining me jazz

And i don’t know what i’ve been hiding
But i think i’ve had to
There’s a bitter sense of aloneness
In crowded rooms
You don’t know me

What brings out the fight in you?
Don’t disappear
Just make the world better
Don’t have to know how at 22
Don’t disappear,
Just make the world better

Now i’m going home
Only i can say no
Track Name: Fangirl
If you don’t mind
I think i’ll just curl up and sleep for a while
Would you turn that song off?
I am trying to heal
And i don’t want to feel
The memories it used to color pink
Fade to blue and black and gray

If you don’t mind
I think i’ll just try to forget for a while
How it’s so much easier to be hard and flat
I am learning that
Purity is not made in words but instead in the choices we decide not to make

I no longer want you in my mouth
You’re no longer welcome in my house

If you don’t mind
I think i’ll just fall into dreams for a while
Where i meet my heroes
And they keep me safe
And they worship the weight
To control and console and to hold tender hearts
Or be wicked pawns in a wicked game

There are lives that rely on their heroes as friends
Fuck the reviews and fuck setting trends
What are we here for if not for the ends
Of dreaming without being scared of the morning